Lost
Lost I am without your smile
That gives me strength fo follow this path
We started together so far away
I don´t remember another awakening without your lap
-----------
Just a sudden paint gives sorrows enought to forget what we are.
Uncertain sadness confuse our mind to think we still are alive.
Not knowing if tomorrow will be the same.
Future pains are now so real that blinds our reality of today.
Suffering that moment only anticípated in our mind.
Anxiety be off from me, you are not true, remain in silence.
You are a figure anticipated that gives pain and suffering.
Yes, my mind is so uncertain of what are going to happen.
Only it is sure what today I am living so be quite in peace.
Tomorrow will be another day and every thing could be bright.
-----------------
Illusion seeing children
Flight open and blink of eyes was
A time that seems long for ever
When short as a dream it is
Ephemeral joy of yesterday
Pain of today use to be remembering
Only in mind other time
When little at my side you were
Chilhood only in mind gives me pain
As being present today
I feel you adult women of today
Far away already from my side.
----------------
Without wanted, without feeling it nearly without being concious
I fell in love.
Thin, nice, beautiful crazy girl, we were living the sixties.
Deluded years from one generation that confused everything.
Love, miracle daily bright that enlight my entire life.
After fourty years or more of living, without feeling them being together.
Today I still fell in love with you once and again till I´ll die.
----------------
Depression
I am not the same I felt yesterday.
Changed without knowing why?
It is today what let me empty?
Ideas come and go without any sense
Thoughts incessant that drill the head
Not hopes only awaiting everything go by
Be you I say, but so another day
Going after chimeras that vanish
There is not any sense or hopes just wait
One and another day, waiting for what
Dead without doubts, easy relax for ever
Sleep, not to think, not to suffer, not await
Sleep for ever, at the end rest perhaps?
Who knows? life it is a not sense being so
when there is not will to continue
Only rest is the time, today only rest is my will.
++++++++++++
I thought when beside me you sleep....
Your your freckled face, your smile so craved.
The love in your eyes, your lighting look .
The tune of your voice, if you are blue or happy.
Some things I imagin looking you sleepy.
Close my side you follow and a new day dawns.
++++++++++
Far away from our real world
Quite we see the past of days
Gathering enough time to past
the years.
Sunset shorten our time
uncertain future we await
despite prisioners here we are
without anxiety time past
Happy following the path
sooner or later the end would be
to our life together waiting
the happy life being in peace.
el gatufo
Yes, sometimes waiting could be too sad, or not, but I thought that
Cuca and me were sad when I wrote it, it was a time that we had news about
the disease “m.e.” that affected her and we were shoked and confused, waiting
for something, but what for?
the poem
"Waiting"
Far away from our real world
quite we see the past of days
gathering enough time see
passing off the years.... (this was because we were out from Madrid living in a new house in Torrevieja
(Alicante), alone in winter waiting a new flat in Madrid and may be a
drug that kill the pain of my dear Cuca)
Sunset shorten our time
uncertain future we await
despite prisioners here we are
without anxiety we are... (From our terrace we could
see the sunset, I was seeing the sunset and took a pencil a paper and I
wrote)
Happy following the path
sooner or later the end would be
of our life being in peace
waiting the end of life together.... (we were in peace, happily
together, but in fact Cuca wanted to die without complaining as she was
at
the begining of
her long long way of suffering. It was nearly fourteen years ago and
everything seems
to be hard and blue, it wasn´t so after all)
Knowing
about the subject it is possible that you and the other friends
understand better the emiliano´s writing, in Spanish first of course,
but afterward I have translated several of the poems I wrote along these
years.
http://rickhaigh.deviantart.com/art/I-have-been-waiting-for-you
Thank you again dear friends
Emi, ven gatufo, te toca a ti contarnos algo pues últimamente Cuca ha acaparado el blog con sus historias.
Bien, no tengo cosas alegres que contar.
No importa, es tu turno y se que tienes muchas cosas escondidas ahí dentro pugnando por salir a la luz.
Si, demasiadas, pero cuesta
sacarlas cuando nos traen malos recuerdos, hay que dejar pasar el tiempo
suficiente para asimilarlas.
Te parece suficiente UN AÑO?
NO, son muy duras y personales no obstante intentaré meter la cuchara y ya veremos lo que sale.
Adelante, emi, cuéntanos esas cosas que te guardas dentro.
Gracias, ahí voy con un trozo de mi vida.......
Hace algunos años ya fui a la doctora de familia para que me hiciera una revisión de
como estaban mis valores sanguíneos, mis defensas y el estado general de
mi cuerpo que era malo, pero había estado mucho peor.
Confiaba en que los valores
del análisis no fueran malos del todo, como a lo largo del verano ya pasado
lo habían sido.
En realidad todas mis defensas habían caído por los
suelos, sin hematíes, sin linfocitos, sin plaquetas, sin hemoglobina,
hasta el punto de que lo mas adecuado, me dijeron hubiera sido una
transfusión de emergencia pues recuperarme de ese estado calamitoso y de
la pérdida de peso además de todo lo anterior había sido tremenda, mal
comparado como alguien que sale de algún campo de concentración de
infausto recuerdo.
Si a un calamitoso estado físico le unimos una depresión total, el cuadro era desolador, tan desolador que no servía para nada.
Había estado cinco meses sin
escribir nada, sin hacer ninguna labor de utilidad, tirado en un sillón
dormitando y sin fuerzas para nada.
¿Cómo iba a tener fuerzas
con una anemia brutal?. Andar cien metros era una tortura y debía de
hacerlo a paso de tortuga. Mareado, con fotofobia, cualquier ruido era
insoportable, y por supuesto deseando morir al día siguiente, o en ese
mismo momento.
A veces pienso en lo bueno
que es "no tener un arma de fuego en casa" porque si no cualquier acto
de desesperación es posible, tu vida vale muy poco cuando el desánimo y
la incapacidad total se hace la dueña de nuestra vida.
Y si pensamientos de
suicidio pasan por tu cabeza, como no van a pasar si en definitiva la
vida carece de cualquier atractivo en eso momentos, aunque la fe o la
esperanza de mejoría puede estar presente en las capas mas profundas del
ser humano.
Es una realidad cotidiana que nos empeñamos en ignorar, lo que no se ve no existe al igual que lo no mencionado.
A nadie le gusta hablar de estos temas, tabues durante años y nada se ha progresado al respecto, pero las frias estadísticas no mienten y la realidad es que en España diez personas se suicidaban diariamente en el año 2014, siendo la primera causa de muerte violenta por encima de los accidentes de tráfico.
Por supuesto en otros paises mucho más, Japón, Finlandia, Islandia, Groenlandia, y como no en los paises del Este desde donde casi no llegan las estadísticas.
++++
Continuo con el relato pues me voy por las ramas filosofando y así no acabaremos nunca.
No te preocupes gatufo, tu cuenta lo que desees sin problemas que ya te diré cuando aburres al personal, sigue donde estabas.
Bien, pues como te decía me
encontraba muy mal, depresivo y expectante para ver mis valores en
sangre que habían estado tan rematadamente mal.
Desde abril o mayo del año 2012 no era persona. Los últimos catorce años o mas había estado
cuidando de Cuca, ya sabes que ella padece "esclorosis múltiple" que la
va incapacitando cada vez más.
Emi hacia prácticamente todo
en la casa y fuera de ella, además cuidaba de Cuca y de su muy querido gato Gatufo, y hasta mayo todo había sido posible para el, para mi,
parecía que era capaz de comerme el mundo hasta el último momento.
Cuando eres útil y cuidas de
tu amor de siempre te sientes genial, has hecho y sigues haciendo lo
que nunca pensé que yo podría hacer.
Llevar una casa, un hombre
que hasta hace catorce años era cuidado y mimado por su esposa, hacer
todas las compras, la comida, decidir, y lo mas importante cuidar de
ella. La situación había dado la vuelta y lo que Cuca había hecho
siempre me tocaba a mi hacerlo. Solo, sin ayuda de nadie, cuidarle a
ella, cuidar de mi, de la casa y de mi muy querido Gatufo.
Estás empezando a aburrirnos
Emi, lo siento, vamos a dejarlo para otro momento. Y es que la historia
de tu vida última parece triste, no crees?.
Lo que tu digas, como te llames, lo dejo para otro momento pues yo también me aburro a mi mismo recordando ciertas cosas.
Adio, so long, Adie, hasta luego
emi
What happens in this country? Is everything like a joke?
I
doubt if calling gatufo emi to keep telling something, I do not
like pains or the cries and I guess most of us do the same too. But freely let you vent, good talking about floods, and tell us what you fancy but not too long.
Emi? Come here with me, do you like?
Going to keep telling me, us, what happened here a year ago?.
Look I
did not know, what to say today I requested the body, the confidences
are for opportune moments in which you open your heart. Today I have trouble remembering certain passages not exactly cheerful.
Do you never say cheerful events? Why? Are you a blue person?
Okay, okay, less jokes, what do you want? there we go....right?
Let me think, if it works and if not I'll think of something else or story the subject of a lighter form.
Yours is the word gatufo Emiliano, going by April / May last year, I think.
April / May last year?. Not good subjects to tell you by then.
It was all not so good here in Spain.
I think by that time Spain was sinking in their miseries.
There
was talk of rescue, that the economy was unsustainable, almost broken
banks, aids of all kinds, and finally in May it was the debacle. Bankia
erupted and tens of thousands of savers who had put their trust in that
entity buying shares and being deceived by a "product" called
"preferred" saw their savings vanished like smoke.
You Emiliano are really cheerfull, only sad news?
Do you like to hear or not? if so, the news were not good here in
Spain a year ago.
Go on Emiliano.
O.K., let us go again without so many comments by you part, please.
Social unrest was absolute, it seems that it would explode from time to time and it is which is now improved. People lost most of their savings deposited in the preferred and actions of that entity and other fell on the floor. Evictions, suicide, despair, strikes, demonstrations, chaos.
All
last summer as well, and my body accompanied with their woes to the
situation around him, very seasoned all European environment with the
feeling that the euro would disappear.
It's funny, a year later not talk of anything like and gives the feeling that has been a long time sice then.
Problems will have been evaporated?.
I do not think so, but the war drums sound so strong that cover everything else.
Beside
how badly pass others does not matter us so much that to them, it is
always the same. Victims do not forget so soon, but other go on with
their life quite soon.
War
it is horrible death to all your family, you wrecking your people, your
neighborhood, they kill one of your children is not comparable with the
daily problems of this Europe accustomed to the daily well-being.
Not
the same problems with the mortgage, you fired from your job to bomb
devastates everything everywhere, your home, your family, your friends,
and all the life that you had gone in seconds with the destruction and
death of around you.
Now that's horrible, nothing to do with a year ago, and is the weight of the facts. A great pain, a catastrophe, displaces other seemingly bad situations at very second term.
Back in May last year began to be downright bad for me, and particularly for gatufos by extension.
Me
started a new treatment for an old ailment that sooner or later it is
likely to face, out in full force and can kill me as logic. If not a disease will be another, but here is not anyone I know, and I had accepted that fact for many years.
Ailments
are cured and others not, it seems that a new drug would end with that
old disease that is slowly undermining my health.
May 2012, Bankia crisis that match my absolute collapse to start a new treatment.
Had
been a week since I started the treatment and already I felt terrible,
unable to keep house and look after my gatufa Cuca and the por cat with
crawl around the house from chair to chair had more than enough.
Stop, emi no longer follow with your pains or sickness.
We
leave really bad mood, and the flood of Congress of Deputies, and the
abandonment of Madrid as Olympic venue after the thud of Buenos Aires we
have plenty for now.
So, thanks a lot dear gatufo-emi, it is enough for today, tomorrow will
be another day.
Is it O.K., dear gatufo?
That´s right, it was an interesting time, all was going as bad as my health, and I felt really bad.
Years lived together never have been counted
unimagined several nights of lovers
autumn evenings past in silence
thousand kisses not seeing.
Lives as beautiful not foreshadowed
yours and mine, so ignored
sometimes I feel I need to count
so everyone could even know.
Love like ours was true and it is
no noised, quiet, never announced
was born, grew up to be everything
here with you, always content.
Don´t be exited, you have not to be noticed
overflowing love be calm
remains silent, quiet, ecstatic
alone, happy, isolated.
emi to my lover
Long way is to live, that certainly we travel having blind knowledge about the route.
We
ask God to enlighten us but we know nothing of tomorrow, if live will
follow the path of life or blind walk towards who ot what is awaiting for us
to bring sooner rather than later an eternal rest.
I do not Know if I go
I do not know if I come
I do not know where I'll go
I do not know even where am I
I just know
I am walking
I wonder Where to?
one day one more ever nonstop
I will stop quite soon
Without no more strength to follow
Navigating the roads I will not be
Without ever knowing if coming or going,
Even not where I will be.
emi
Without you one more day
endure hell every morning
in my eternal loneliness.
I thought you'd be with me always
and you go, you're gone
saying goodbye you left me.
Not a single word more
today I woke up without you
where have you gone my love.
This world was not for you
so young you left it knowing
I am not living any more
Your absence I can not face
wherever you are soon we´ll be
traveling together.
Another new path for walk
hand in hand forever
happy to be together again.
To run a new life, an endless one
that is my hope that leads me
to spend the rest of my life without you.
One day and another
travelling far away home
too soon you went away.
That´s my way of living
waiting to be at your side
it is a long lonely run
Why have you to go
that´s my question every morning
when I don´t find an answer
Not your hand to hold
not your body to caress
not your voice to listen to
Soon will be together
sure I am about my feelings
be quite and wait me
Which ever land
you could be
endless love will find you.
emi
Long time waiting such a bliss
and so fleeting was
that it did not seem to be true.
Faithful to whom, an idea
I never thought that the illusion
was so short, that without.
Your soon awaken love would be
a daily pain instead of love
living without you.
It is an impossible dream
I never thought I could bear
but it has been true.
You have gone and here I am
suffering every moment
but living in pain after all.
emi
Depression
Is there something
similar to that? Something so bad as living into a deep depression?
Something so worst as don´t want to live a single day more?
Something like a feeling of not being understood even for the people you love more?.
Something so estrange
as not having strength to do anything? Something so awful as to be in
bed for hours not wanting to know anything about your world, the people
you love, your work or interests? Something so peculiar as not be
interested about your money, the news, or the friends?.
Not wanting to
talk with anyone, or seeing other people. not wanting to pick up the telephon and feeling you have not voice, your tune is low, different, you have a continuous pain, it seems the time so long, every day it is a torture and you want only to die as soon as possible?
Such kind of feelings
that no body round you, or even yourself can´t understand it is what a
depressed person feels for one and another day....til when?. Thats the
question repeated several times a day.
It seems that your mind is clear because you may think, you think too much but everything it is without any bright.
There is not hopes, you feel that have fall in a deep hole and it is nearly imposible to go up from it.
Yes it seems it is not possible for you to be out from it.
(But it is posible, have in mind that)
Impossible to enjoy
your life, you are not hungry, always thirsty because your mouth is dry,
so many pills taken gave you a sensation that you need to drink every
moment.
Money for what? You have not any interest in spending it as there is nothing you may feel interested.
The only thing you want more it is to be in the bed for hours sleeping, without thinking any more.
n you have the
sensation of being a trouble to the people you love, you are a burden so
heavy that not any body knows what to say you, how to give you any help
and it seems you have not any will to get out from that situation.
You hate any kind of
advise friends could gave you, yes it seems easy for them but who could
understand the way you are following day after day.
Such a big effort to survive.
The feeling of being
so bad it is going to long for ever, is it just what you think?, what
you feel? every morning, a new day for what? to suffer it so many hours?
It is better to be asleep as much as possible, not thinking, not seeing
any body, not having to talk, not having to live.
Little by little you
think it is better just to be dead, you are a burden and the people you
love sure they would be better without you. So why not, it is easy to
die when you have not any will to be alive.
But how? when?, which
is it the best form?. The insane idea comes and goes continuously once
and again along every day, along a week, a month, a year......till
when?. For ever?, yes it seems that you, me. are going to live this way
without any rest for years, or for ever, who knows?. So great effort to
go on a day after another.
What can I said about THAT?.
A single thing... it is not true, it is not true my friends....by all means it si not TRUE.
It is necessary to fix this idea inside your, my, mind deep inside every second you, me, are living this unhappy situation.
After
living a depression twice I know that yes, it is possible to be out
from it if you fight with all you forces to be out from the black túnel,
up from the deep hole you think are being to stay for life, or for too
long, so long that you think it could be impossible to resist your
sorrows, your insane thoughts, your sadness, your absolute lack of
interest about life.
Not anybody may understand what a depressed person is feeling at least for all of them that have not suffered at least one through their life.
Unthinkable to every
one close to you, or me, how much this depressed person is suffering if
you have never gone by a similar situation, and it is best not to have
gone ever through it.
Other kind of
sickness it is very understable for people despite they have never be
sick or have passed through such a bad episode of illness but not a
depression if they have not suffered one.
So please, people who
knows nothing about it, do not give any advise to a depressed one, it
is for nothing and the only result could be to exasperate even more the
depressed one.
Living beside a
depressed son, wife, father or lover it is like being in hell, you don´t
know what to do, what to say, how to cared the loved relative or lover.
All seems too difficult, and sometimes the loving relation it is
finished after passing through that.
The lover who resist
this in his partner it could be because she or he loves very very much,
as at the end the atmosphere could be really hard of resisting.
Yes, having pass
through twice living experiences of depression I could know what I am
talking about and I know quite well how bad a depression could be for
the person who suffers it and the people who is living close to him/her.
There is nothing
similar to suffering this illness, because the person who suffers it is
sick, very sick by all means, and he/she needs treatment and too much
love. Patience, a strong charácter beside him or her, and first of all
the idea that at the end this depression has cure.
Yes it has cure, despite we all think that going through a situation so bad there is not any hope.
All we need to know
and be sure about that, the depressed one first, it is a period of time
that has its end. That it is necessary to much will to go through it
day after day, obeying the doctor, taking the pills, eating without any
desire, to get up from bed early, to go for a walk once a day or even
more, not to think in killing oneself as the best option.
No,
this option has not return, having depressed has return to a new
situation that have positive reactions inside the feelings of people
that return from it. Usually for good, yes, we are another kind o person
once we feel better, once we feel the depression is off from our soul.
Again we enjoy the fact of being alive and we use to be better persons
after all.
Life has another
meanings so, not everything is bad after all, as which ever thing that
makes us suffering and it don´t kill us ......at the end makes us more
strong.
It is for sure, I have the experience already.
Who suffers knows
what is the fact of living with this feeling, suffering every momento
for a long time, and the lack of it makes us more happy. It is like
being born once again.
Usually it makes us more human, we accept better the other people suffers.
Too much hope for
people who can read this, my experience has been bad, too bad for twice
but at the end just now I am right. Happy of living again, once time
more. With time to reconciliate with my world, with God, with persons
that love me or not love me. It is the same, another time, another life,
another bright in common things as breath, as seeing a nice picture, or
have a good talk.
In
the midle of a deep depression, please think that being happy again in
future it is possible after all. Have always this thought inside your
mind dear friends.
See this link, it could be good for you as it has been good for me...
el gatufo
Inside pains
Just a sudden paint gives sorrows enought to forget what we are.
Uncertain sadness confuse our mind to think we still are alive.
Not knowing if tomorrow will be the same.
Future pains are now so real that blinds our reality of today.
Suffering that moment only anticípated in our mind.
Anxiety be off from me, you are not true, remain in silence.
You are a figure anticipated that gives pain and suffering.
Yes, my mind is so uncertain of what are going to happen.
Only it is sure what today I am living so be quite in peace.
Tomorrow will be another day and every thing could be bright.
Children / Women
Illusion seeing children
Flight open and blink of eyes was
A time that seems long for ever
When short as a dream it is
Ephemeral joy of yesterday
Pain of today use to be remembering
Only in mind other time
When little at my side you were
Chilhood only in mind gives me pain
As being present today
I feel you adult women of today
Far away already from my side.
My Love
Without wanted, without feeling it nearly without being concious
I fell in love.
Thin, nice, beautiful crazy girl, we were living the sixties.
Deluded years from one generation that confused everything.
Love, miracle daily bright that enlight my entire life.
After fourty years or more of living, without feeling them being together.
Today I still fell in love with you once and again till I´ll die.
Depression
I am not the same I felt yesterday.
Changed without knowing why?
It is today what let me empty?
Ideas come and go without any sense
Thoughts incessant that drill the head
Not hopes only awaiting everything go by
Be you I say, but so another day
Going after chimeras that vanish
There is not any sense or hopes just wait
One and another day, waiting for what
Dead without doubts, easy relax for ever
Sleep, not to think, not to suffer, not await
Sleep for ever, at the end rest perhaps?
Who knows? life it is a not sense being so
when there is not will to continue
Only rest is the time, today only rest is my will.
Asleep
I thought when beside me you sleep
look at your freckled face, your smile so craved.
The love in your eyes, your lighting look .
The tune of your voice, if you are blue or happy.
Some things I imagin looking you sleepy.
Close my side you follow and a new day dawns.
Waiting what for
Far away from our real world
Quite we see the past of days
Gathering enough time to past
the years.
Sunset shorten our time
uncertain future we await
despite prisioners here we are
without anxiety time past
Happy following the path
sooner or later the end would be
to our life together waiting
the happy life being in peace.
emi
WITHOUT YOUR LOVE
Like I loved you, nobody will ever love you
when you wake up you will not find me
at your side
You and me will be ever absent
my solitude no longer will you feel
since today
Without you my dear lover
never understand what my adversity
could be living alone
Without me, your loneliness will vanish
and time after time, your doubts will soon
pass away
Don´t worry my dear sould, such is life
when a lover is tired of receiving so much
love as I give you
No unrequited love will live for ever
even so I’ll await for you inside my soul
till I die.
*********
LONG AWAY SADNESS
Living without living
everyday was the rule
Life without a future
without hope was a rutine
Daily suffering step by
step today tomorrow
Death Wish was vanished
after some time
Depression goes and now
I sleep in peace.
emi
